New York
New York is home to a wide variety of people, religions, and political views. Which is just wrong. That is why The Colbert Report is broadcast from what some may consider the liberal capital of America. The State was built around The Statue of Liberty, and it began as a Conservative breeding ground. But years of bad music have turned the state into filth. New Yorkers have funny accents. They say arr-ange instead of or-ange and farr-est instead of for-est. If a New Yorker goes anywhere else in the world and says "ARR-ANGE!" people will throw bricks at them. New York is also home to the New York Yankees, the most American team of all sports. New York is also the home of the New York Mets, an embarrassment to the nation. The Mets are the second gayest team on the whole planet (Behind KU Jayhawks) Californians think that New York is Satan Land. They think that New York City sucks big gay spaceballs, and that the only good thing about New York is the Nintendo World Store. Californians know that New York is the most overrated city in the USA, so they don't give a crap if New Yorkers get offended. Discovery New York was found by some guy named Ned Yorkshire. His land was called Ned Yorkshires Crib. He was a gay, liberal, Jewish Nazi. Floods of his kind were invited to live in his land. The Gays were lured here by how much long island looks like the giant penis of the state of New York. All the others came because they needed the gays to service them on a regular basis. This concentration of gays and their gay voices changes the name Ned Yorkshires Crib into New York. Straight people lived in Pennsylvania or Connecticut. History New York City was originally inhabited by injuns who knew not the worth of real estate on a fortifiable island peninsula. The Dutch originally lavished them with cool clogs and treats but ended up building a wall to secure the lower end of what is now known as the Island of Manhattan. British colonists soon out-numbered the Dutch and teased them until they surrender their wall and Wall Street, the new stock exchange. The Dutch left New York and with them left the last vestige of civilization the state has known. Ordinary city life for the average New Yorker was a daily struggle as the trickle down economy of early capitalism had not yet been blessed with the wisdom of Ronald Reagan. Irish gangs lead by that guy from Star Trek fought open-pitched battles with Daniel Day Louis for the right to use a fire truck and to atttain city government positions such as rabbit butcher and Mayor Tammany's bribe collector. The tragic fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory in New York City in the 1980's brought the movement for improved labor conditions to a head. This inspired the Reagan administration to improve work conditions for factory workers by implementing Bible breaks and prayer rooms in all sweatshops. Minimum wage was also raised to meet that in China! Reagan's reforms were hampered though when Hillary Clinton became the Senator for New York State. To distract the public from her incompetence as Senator, she hired 19 terrorists on her own credit card to fly two jumbo jets into the World Trade Center. Then she chartered planes for the family members of the suspects to fly back to Saudi Arabia. AND THEN!!! she killed every realtor involved in the Whitewater Scandal with her bare hands. This placed America in position to righteously kill every man, woman and child in the world who did not side with them (even down to the snakes). Shortly after 9/11, at a ceremony in New York's Saint Patrick's Cathedral God condoned the initiation of the killing, and when he saw uniformed soldiers bearing the flags of the US Army, Navy and Air Force he was indeed please and smiled upon them. New Yorkers now enjoy having their bags searched randomly on the subway, but still do occasionally find the odd torso in the trash as in the old pre-9/11 days. Achieving Statehood New York was one of the original 13 colonies established by Jesus to create the greatest nation on the planet. After killing off the Godless Indians and Frenchies they held their nose as they partnered with Taxachusettes to create a new nation with which to exploit fortunate slaves on their plantations. New York was almost ejected from the union in January of 2001 when they sent a washed hillbilly's wife to Washington D.C. to represent them in the Senate. Jesus forgave them as he realized it was in fact April Fool's Day. New York Today Today in New York, someone went to see the greatest show on Earth, The Colbert Report and considered herself touched by Satan for doing so. New York Turns Gayer As of today gay marriage is not only legal, but mandatory. New York Landmarks * Colbert Report studio * some tall buildings glorifying capitalism * World Trade Center * West Point Military Academy * Ben and Jerry's love shack * theaters where black civil rights leaders have been slain * a public school in the Bronx that doesn't have a metal detector * Mr. Rockefeller's alternate skyscraper filled with useless tenants to keep the office rental rates high, aka the United Nations * Dr. Stephen Colbertish Tunnel * Bernard Goetz's "Monument to Racial Harmony Through Sharpened Screwdrivers" * That crack house with the bitch with one leg *Central Park where Paris Hilton left her favorite dildo. * The city of Cortland Famous New Yorkers Lieberazis *Tim Robbins *Woody Allen *Jon Stewart *Al Sharpton *Hillary Clinton Real Americans * George Pataki * Donald Trump * Donald Trump's Hairpiece * War Profiteers * Rudy Giuliani * That Future governor who's into horse porn New York's evil king Do you think that no state has ever had a king? Think again. The king of York, England had a son in 1798. His name was "Prince Jason Hitler". When he was 18 in 1815, he married an Austrian woman, and they moved to New York, and sadly, Jason Hitler became New York's king. Then in 1838, some New Yorkers moved from New York to Missouri, but Missouri was actually called "Misery", so in 1843, they moved from Missouri to New Mexico, Arizona, Utah, Nevada, Colorado, Wyoming, and California. There was word that California was God's Land, and the president was convinced, and made California the 31t state. There was also word that New York was Satan Land. This made New York's king mad. After meeting his son "Bentley Hitler", New York's king was captured by the US, and was sent to Ecuador. The Ecuadorians killed him and buried his body in South American sand, then headed up to Kansas. Years later, New York's kings great grandson, Adolf Hitler, took over Germany and invaded Poland, France, and Russia, causing World War II. Hitler lost the war, and was killed, erasing the Hitler family line. Today, New York's king is currently buried in Ecuador dead, but still dreams of destroying California. When the Nazis rise from the grave, so will New York's king. He will cause Yellow Stone to erupt, destroying Oregon, Washington, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, the Dakotas, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, and northern Texas. This will also cause California to break off into the ocean, but don't worry! We will be dead by then! External Links *Charitable Organizations in *New York's new reality TV show "Help! I’m a Senator, Get Me Out of Here!" *New York elects Mr. Burns as their new Mayor *Ghosts invade NY *Ghost Ship found in NY! *New York invaded by terrorist turkeys *Sign Language interpreter declared New Mayor Category:Communist